I find that when you see people navigating through their journey, there is a sense of sympathy. Still, you never really know what goes on behind the scenes until it happens to you.
For a long time, I watched various family members go through the ups and downs of navigating their health journey. I have been there for them; I have been a support system when they need it. I have even been a caregiver to sick family members. I had a sense of the process, but now I am going through it myself.
Everyone's journey is different. For me, I find myself going through different stages of emotions.
My first feeling is frustration because of how time-consuming it can be.
My second feeling is guilt because I live in a place where I have access to health care, and I should not be frustrated with having access to medical care.
My third feeling is optimism because at least I am able to manage my health.
And then there are days like today, where everything feels overwhelming. At my check-up, the doctor said terms I did not completely understand, started listing off treatments, all while I sat there wondering what it all meant. So I said “wait, do I have PCOS? Are you saying I have PCOS?”
It turns out that I still need one more test, but the chances are very likely. That added two more doctor appointments into my schedule, which all happen to be during a very busy time in my semester. So there comes that feeling again: frustration; but confusion has also now been added to the emotion mix.
Bouncing around from different doctors has me coming up with new questions, and not knowing who to ask. My dermatologist is the one treating my acne. My General Practitioner is the one I need to talk to about other treatment options. Should I see a gynecologist for my LH:FSH levels?
I made the mistake of trying to look all of this up on my own time... not a great idea. Not only do I not understand what I am reading, but the more I look into it, the more overwhelmed I become. It is a rabbit hole of information that I do not understand, which only leads to more questions.
The one thing that is especially concerning, for myself anyways, is all of the information on infertility or the struggle to conceive with PCOS. There is information that I am reading that I had never really thought of before. I am 26, still have a year left of school, and have not put a lot of thought into having kids except for hoping to have one or two someday.
I have been bouncing back and forth on writing about the possibility of infertility or struggles conceiving. On one end, I am not there yet. I am not trying to conceive, nor will I any time soon. However, I know my partner’s #1 goal is to be a dad, and so I feel a bit anxious thinking that maybe I will let him down in a sense.
I already have five pretty strong emotions in the mix, and now we’re adding fear as well. I know there are people who say, “don’t worry about it until it comes time to worry about it.” Unfortunately, I am not one of those people. I am trying to be, but it is tough not having the answers right away.
Each day is new. Some days I am overwhelmed, confused, and fearful all at the same time. Those are usually the days when I go down a rabbit hole of Google searches on what all my lab results mean. Sometimes I feel guilty about my emotions when I know I have access to many resources that some in my position may not.
But, the one thing that I keep reverting to is optimism. We do not know if struggling to conceive will be my reality just yet. And there are other ways to be a parent, which my partner and I can explore if and when the time comes. I am thankful that I have a supportive family and partner who will help me along the way.
Overall, no matter what emotion I am having at the moment, there are ways to make light out of a confusing time. This blog, for instance, helps me put my thoughts into words to process all of the information coming my way. I am working my way towards being worrying less or until it is necessary, but oh my, is it ever tough.
As always, I will continue to track my journey. I hope that someone also being diagnosed with PCOS, or something else, will see my journey and be able to relate to it. Maybe my journey will even be able to help. Keep updated to see what happens next!
To stay up to date with my journey, follow @Zamplo_app on Instagram for the latest updates and check in’s.